Monday's child

Sometimes I wonder what Noah would have been like had he been the first child.

He and Travis are light years apart in terms of personality... and some of that was perceptible from infancy, so there's parts of it that I'm sure have nothing to do with birth order. But a lot of who Noah is has to do with how he sees Travis reacting. Not that they react the same way, but Noah's reaction is somehow gauged by what his big brother does.

Sometimes, I think he purposefully reacts exactly opposite of Travis, because there is an opposite there for him to see....unlike Travis, who had to traverse that territory all on his own.

Noah's a bit more rambunctious than his older brother, a bit more willing to break the rules. But he also has a crazily infectious smile, and its impossible not to fall in love with his sparkly eyes and sense of humor, and the way his whole face lights up when he's happy.

Anyway, I got to thinking about this, and thinking about how dramatically different his life would be if he was just born at a different time.

This got me thinking about the miscarriage we had just before getting pregnant with Noah (and when I say just before, I mean just before....we got pregnant with Noah well before my doctor advised it was safe to do so after the miscarriage and before we even thought it was possible for us to conceive again). I remember how it felt back then, like my life was caving in on me. It was such a sad, forlorn, empty pain that I felt. There is something about feeling like I failed my unborn child, like I couldn't provide it with the safe haven it deserved and thus its life was not allowed to continue. It was an early miscarriage -- but my motherly instinct kicked in for that clump of cells just the same as for any other baby. That was MY clump of cells and I fully intended to develop that clump of cells into a beautiful, nurtured, well-loved bundle of joy.

I remember after losing that pregnancy, Ben trying to cheer me up and saying, "Don't worry -- we'll get pregnant again." And my tearful response, "But I don't want to get pregnant with another baby... I want THIS baby!" I still remember with clarity how that felt, how unfair it seemed that God was asking me to let go of that child that I'd already connected with, and that I was supposed to replace that with some eventual baby that we'd probably have. How could I replace that baby? What kind of mother could do that? I felt it was important that we not get pregnant right away because it seemed disrespectful to this lost child...like all I wanted was a baby and I didn't care what baby it was.

But, alas, we did get pregnant right away... and as it turns out, I was dead wrong. I most certainly DID want to get pregnant with that other baby, because it has turned into my darling Noah, who I could not imagine life without.

There's still a little part of me that mourns for that lost child - even though we've been so blessed and our lives have turned out so well. I think of it as God's way of saying He had hand-picked Noah especially for us, and we just needed to be a little more patient so that we could have Noah in our lives.